Day Eight-ish

Obviously. This isn’t going to be a daily thing. I got a lot on my plate, and if I put tumblr first (again) it won’t end well.
Morning practices start tomorrow, as well as a new semester and season. I’m excited, but I’m also worried that I may not be as good as I was last year. That barely getting the sectional cut freshman year might have been the peak of my swimming career. But I’m going to try freaking hard this year. I don’t have Kaitlin to hate/ compete against this year at practice. But I’ll try to make it work.

I’ve gotten a few chords down so far. Mainly transitions from open to sus4’s and sus2’s. It’ll be a long road. But every day gets a little easier, and every day my fingers hurt a little less after that half an hour or so I put into it. Maybe I can throw something together for valentines day for Evan.
As long as its in the key of A. :)

Day One/Two: this was probably not the best idea…

before Finals anyway. 

My dad bought me a guitar, and I’ve set on a quest to teach myself to at least learn a couple chords and techniques by my self or from my peers before seeking out a teacher. So far it’s been good. Grade wise, we’ll find that out later. I’m borderline B across the board, which is very worrisome. But honestly my mind has been possessed by  a desire to learn to play my new instrument. So that brings my grand total of instrument capability to four. If you count the xylophone, which I do. 

I don’t see myself as spectacularly talented, but I’d like to think I have a yearning at least for music. And I’ll be 100% honest and admit that I’m constantly singing to my mirror or imagining my life as an episode of Glee. 

My grades are scaring the crap out of me. I wish I could just not care and accept a few C’s. But I try to hold myself up to a higher standard than that. I have a few borderline grades that are just terrifying me. 

My swim team thinks I’m mentally a whore. (probably physically too, who knows)

So I came to practice early with my notebook and this book that gives random writing excercises. Because that’s my idea of fun. So the exercise called for writing two dynamic scenes within the same setting. So I wrote the first one, which was a subdued moment between a boy and the girl that he loves. The setting was a bed, so obviously they were in the bed, CUDDLING. Jesus, she was asleep, and he was commenting on how he’d miss ever single detail of her presence. Of course, everyone reads it and automatically thinks dirty, now they all think I write about sex in my spare time. Oh, that’ll be lovely if that gets back to Mrs. Riddle. Ev was the only one who didn’t seem to think that way. Maybe because he just wants to support me and be on my side, but I hope he understands that the way that protagonist feels about his love is how I feel about him. In the physical aspects, and more depth that I didn’t have time to explore with the passage. 

I just wish that everyone would know who I really am. 

An awkward person who jokes around with suggestive material, but really is wholesome at heart. 

DISSSSNEEYYYLAAAAAND.

Happiest place on earth, right? Er. Wrong. But I’ll get to that later. We got there pretty early and went to all the rides I was looking forward to, well, I had my 10 year old cousin with me and she’s deathly afraid of rollercoasters. Meh. We met this couple while waiting in line at the haunted mansion. They were from australia, but from their stories they were constantly traveling the world. It sounded so fantastic and wonderful, backpacking around the whole world for their honeymoon. Even though I tried to resist, my mind started thinking. What if we traveled the world? I could see us, in the heart of Paris, my enthusiastically tugging on your hand. I could see you, translating for us in an exotic country, or instructing me on how to rough it. You encouraging me to go on while trekking up that giant bridge in Australia, and showing you the hospital where I was born, and laughing our asses off at all the insane electronics in the average Japanese department store. Your hand in mine the entire time. Soon enough, we parted ways with the couple, as well did I with my thoughts about you. But then we went to Toy Story Mania, and it all hit me again. Not the crazy girl who wants marry you type thoughts. But the- I really really miss you type of feeling. How I just want your arm wrapped around my side. I’m just in love with you. I’m sorry, this makes everything more complicated, but that’s how I feel. The happiest place for me? It’s mrs. greeley’s tutorial classroom, your eyes occasionally glancing over to me. It’s at BJ’s pizzeria, all of us crammed into one long table, my bare ankle rubbing against yours. It’s out in the pouring rain- you holding me tight and kissing me like there’s no tomorrow. I just wish you could see, I’m never going to fully be okay. I mean, I hope to be, but it’s hard to see a light at the end of this tunnel, because I can’t move forward if I still want what’s behind me. 

emilyandherdream:

On the right side are the translations from the Hawaiian words!

OMG OMG OMG

(Source: kapalama.ksbe.edu, via everythingisdisney-deactivated2)

so uh, I kinda have the blog thing.. Read through it, and yeah, it’s kinda all about you.

okay. uh. awkward?

So today was open house at the elementary school right by my house, so my friend needed to get a ride to my house and we walked over so she could go home with her family. We got to my house, raided the pantry, then proceeded to walk to the school, our shirts still wet from swim practice, our hair all messed up, and carrying her gear bags and wheat thins…. and we run into Evan and his dad. I knew that there was a chance of seeing them- his little brother is in the same class as Ali’s little brother, I even made a joke about it. Just didn’t expect to pass him as we were going to Mrs. Smith. 

So after I said bye to Mrs. Smith and Ali, I walked back out and had a conversation with Evan and his padre. It was kind of an awkward conversation, about cowboys and such. Mr. Riddle’s not too bad. The two times I’ve met him, he seemed a little nervous. This might sound weird, but I kinda like people that aren’t so tough and confident. They seem a little more human and relatable. I dunno. 

Anyways, when I knew that I was probably wasting their time, I said I had to go, and walked back home. 

Things get weirder and weirder every day. 

seriously. what the hell?

okay. So we “broke up”. I figured that meant awkward silences, awkward hallway conversations, and awkward glances. I thought it meant him forgetting all about me, falling in love with someone else, and me being left alone. 

But what’s going on is so much more confusing than that. He still hugs me before going to class, although he omits the goodbye kiss, he still lets me lean on him at lunch, and occasional pecks my cheek. Yet then when we’re going to class, our hands barely touch, and for the most part, it’s like the 6 months between us never happened. It’s so frustrating. I know what I want, but we can’t have it because of the stupid policy. Everyone’s been telling me, “just see each other at school, or keep it a secret.” and although that would seem like the rational solution, I don’t see it working out when it seems that he’s content with this go between that leaves me dangling for him whenever he needs me, or when he think’s he’s good again. 

He feels the same, supposedly. The way that sometimes it kinda hits me all over again and I just sorta stop working. But those times are “rare and short lived” 

Well, this is my life! I hate the nice boys, they hurt the most because you know in your heart that they’re not doing it on purpose so you can’t hate them without feeling insanely guilty yourself. He knows what I want. I want things to be the way they were. I’d be willing to make a few changes in order to satisfy his mom or the team, but even that is worth it if I could keep him. I’m his, but he’s not mine. All this confusion is driving me insane. Boys are insane. 

okay. CIF prelims..

So I got to skip all of school today and get an extra hour of sleep! I got to school around 8:20 ish, and one of the proctors, the worst one in my opinion, was giving me a tough time. She’s the one who usually causes me and Evan to go the opposite sides of the hill when she comes around on her little golf cart… ANYWAYS. I talked to her and I was like “Yeah, Cox called us out of class for the entire day so…” and she’s like “You guys have a competition?” and I felt like saying, “Yeah, it’s called CIF, have you heard of it, it’s kinda a big damn deal.” and she suddenly had a huge smile and started talking to me about it. It turns out she’s a swimmer herself. Well, that’s awkward. Thankfully, Melanie came to my rescue and we walked together to the pool deck and we waited for everyone else before going to Ted’s for breakfast. 

We took a van, and I swear, it was one of those vans that screamed, “CREEPER VAN”. Well, if you took off the capistrano school district insignia on it, anyway. We were all close and snuggly in the back seat, and we were blasting KIIS FM and all the other mainstream pop stations. I swear, it was so awkward/hilarious when inappropriate songs came on, cause Cox looked SOOO uncomfortable. At one point, S&M came on and all the girls were all singing it and he’s just there driving and shaking his head…

Anyways, we got there and warmed up no big deal. I swam the 4X50 relay, and we all pretty much sucked and added, and obviously didn’t make it back for finals. I also swam the 4X100 relay, and we made it back in the top 8. I was kinda disappointed that I didn’t swim as fast as I thought I would. I didn’t really dwell on it though. Then we were on the way home and Coach Cox was telling everyone that they needed to come to practice, and he was naming them off, and he didn’t name me. 

“Uh… you want me there too, right?” I asked, and he replied that he might take me off my relay, and put in another girl. And this was the girl, who just last week, I replaced the A 4x100 relay at league finals. Anyways, it was a little awkward for a moment, then we went back to our own conversations and what not. When we got home, it kinda hit me that she would take my place for CIF FINALS, which are HUGE for me. I was upset, but I knew, its the team and all, gotta do what we gotta do etc. But I was stuck between fighting for myself and just letting it go because I honestly don’t know if I can swim faster than her on friday. And then I started talking to Cox after everyone had gone home, and started crying..  Yeah. It was bad. But now I think I’m okay. My coach said some very good things that I won’t really take any time with, and it kinda helped. 

/end incessant rant. 

SHIT!

people from my *new* school are starting to follow my main. 

dilemma. do i give them my awesomer, less followed blog for more awesomeness? BUT THEN RISK BEING JUDGED! eeeeks. 

Day Three: Where You See Yourself in 10 Years.

Hmm. I’ll be 25. Hopefully I’ll have gone to college (BERKELEY OR SARAH LAWRENCE *cough*) and gotten a degree in English Literature. I’m still not 100% sure of what I want to do as a career. I’m sort of caught in two extremes; sports medicine and writing. I’m learning towards the writing. Hopefully I’ll have a stable job, and maybe settle down a bit and get married. 

Day Two: My definition of love

Well, I’m going to be INSANELY cheesy and all that great stuff because I’m in a relationship, so I’m obviously going to state that my boyfriend and I are the epitome of true love. Well, maybe maybe not. To me, love is being completely accepting of someone and all their flaws, and having them do the same. In my opinion, when I love someone, I cherish the things they might not see as attractive as much as the rest of them, perhaps even more. 

In order for there to be love, there’s gotta be trust. I somewhat believe in fate, but in the end everything lies with the decisions we make. 

DAY ONE: ten facts!

1. I was born in Paris, France. I only lived there for 3 years, but not everyone can say that, y’ know?

2. I’m a people pleaser. I’ve been working on it, but I tend to often place other people’s happiness before my own. 

3. I love music. I can *kinda* play piano and flute, and I would learn to love to play guitar. 

4. I swim competitively. I’ve been swimming since I was about 6 or 7, and it’s the greatest, most insane sport on the planet. The training’s intense, but I love swimming with all my heart. 

6. I’m really cheesy. 

7. I love writing.

8. my parents are crazy, and i love them. 

9. I kinda like to cook, but my mom is afraid I’ll burn down the house (and i don’t blame her)

10. I trip a lot.

7 Day Tumblr Challenge.

emmkaydee:

Stolen from Allison. Starting today!

1. 10 basic facts about yourself.

2. Your definition of love.

3. Where you want to be in 10 years.

4. Five turn ons.

5. Five turn offs.

6. Describe your day.

7. 10 things you want to say to 10 different people.

IM DOING IT. STOLEN FROM MEGAN

(Source: mkdelin)

Message me a number

sallymurphy:

1 - A secret of mine
2 - An interest of mine
3 - A random fact
4 - A bad habit
5 - A confession
6 - What I like about you
7 - A random memory
8 - A regret
9 - If we were locked up in a room, we would…
10 - 3 things I like about myself
11 - 3 things I dislike about myself
12 - 5 of my favourite things
13 - What I think about your blog
14 - A fact about my personality
15 - A fact about my appearance  

 sure why not

(via nonexistingforce-deactivated201)